You are not alone. No human is perfect therefore no family is perfect. If you feel overwhelmed by your toxic family, dysfunctional family, or family drama, just try to come back to yourself. The burden is not on you to fix everything. There isn’t any one thing that you can do to make it all better. The only thing you can control is yourself. There is no need to compare your trauma to anyone else’s because if you feel the impact then it’s valid. All you can do is take it one day at a time and do your best.
All you can do is reflect on the role you play in your family drama, reflect on the impact it has on you, validate your experience and emotions, and try to be better than you were yesterday. And maybe your step today was reading this blog. It’s amazing that you are facing your shadows, you are keeping your heart open after being hurt, you are trying to heal, show you care, have the hard conversations, feel the hard emotions, you are trying and that’s what matters. I promise the effort you are putting in will become obvious and you will be so proud of yourself.
In this blog, my goal is to give you all the advice I wish I knew. You’re not alone, it’s not your job to fix anyone, take it one step at a time, there is no “right” way to go about it, give yourself what you want from others, and time is going to pass either way. So, use this time to face your shit, make time for things you love, invest in yourself, practice setting those boundaries, and do your best to nurture yourself at this time. This blog can be used to learn to cope with family drama, with your dysfunctional family while living at home, or just how to deal with toxic people.
MINDSET
Stop Thinking Things That Only Hurt You More
It’s important to reflect on the ways that we are hurting ourselves and prolonging our own suffering. I think a lot of people including me struggle with thought spiraling and a lot of these thoughts are not even true. In the end, we are just hurting ourselves more than what we are already going through.
You get mad at others for hurting you and think “I don’t deserve this”, but then go around and hurt yourself. You don’t deserve this, so just practice catching yourself at the beginning and practicing what-ifs that actually make you feel good, that make you feel loved and believe that you can get through anything.
Take the Opportunity to Heal and Learn the Lesson
When you are in the chaos and faced with the hurt every day, it is very easy to just go straight to I don’t want to be here. You just don’t know how and don’t want to deal with everything that is in front of you. You don’t see a way through this and you don’t know how to face all the feelings, so you think “Why is this happening to me?”.
I know it is difficult whatever you are going through but that thinking puts you in a victim mindset. Instead of thinking why, think “What am I learning” and “What is this teaching me”? Use this time that you are here to face this, heal, and get to the other side so that when you move out it won’t be following you because everything eventually catches up to you.
The Best Practice for Clarity in Fights
The best practice that I have learned that gives me so much clarity on a situation with multiple sides to a story, I learned from Madison (@itsalreadyyourss on tiktok). If you struggle with feeling invalidated, confused, defensive, and more in fights then this practice will help you so much.
You can either meditate or just close your eyes and I want you to go through the experience again once through your eyes, the second through the other person’s eyes, and the third from an outsider’s point of view objectively watching the experience. This practice grounds you so much and really allows you to see what’s happening clearly so you can communicate better, move through it better, and feel more grounded and understanding. It’s truly a lifesaver.
HEALING
You Don’t Need to Overanalyze, Just Feel
Sometimes, you don’t need to analyze, or journal, and you just need to feel. When you’re living at home, it can just feel like one trigger after another, and it can feel like too much. All the emotion needs is to be felt. The most important thing is that you need to be in your body.
So, start breathing into your stomach below your belly button. Do a body scan from the top of your head to the bottom to see where the sensation is in your body are and breathe into that area. Be the guide for your emotions to be released and move your body intuitively (this can speed up the process). Just validate and give yourself the space and time to feel.
Use This Time as a Mirror
Instead of running away and blaming all your triggers on the people who caused them in the first place or the people who triggered them now, don’t blame the person holding up the mirror, use it to heal. Being around your family really brings up all of your childhood wounds and you can feel extra sensitive. You get the most triggered around your family and in a relationship, and your attachment style can become very obvious. That can be very overwhelming.
Yes, you were affected and hurt in childhood by others, but now you’re an adult and these triggers are coming from within. You can decide to ignore and blame or take responsibility now and heal. When you get hurt, you can pass on two things, the suffering or the wisdom. Which one are you going to decide to pass on?
Give Yourself What You Want From Others
What do you want from your parents? How do you wish they treat you and take care of you? Do you want validation, recognition, or for them to show up for you? Whatever it is you wish they would do for you, do it for yourself. How you want others to treat you is the key to knowing how you need to show up for yourself.
If you felt validated, you wouldn’t feel the need for someone else to validate you. This shows the ways you were neglected as a child and how you continue to neglect yourself now. So, show up and nurture your inner child in the way they desperately want. Be the parent to your inner child that they always needed.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
There Is No Right Decision
There is no “right” thing to do. There is no perfect solution. There is not something that you can do to fix the wounds of someone else. It’s not on you. You don’t need to make one perfect decision once and stick to that. All you can do is choose what’s best for you right now. And that will change and that’s okay.
If right now you want to have an honest conversation with them, do that. If you just need to avoid them because you’re so overwhelmed, do that. Your feelings about your situation are going to change, so just focus on what’s best for you right now.
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
The best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to set boundaries. I want you to think about what your boundaries are. Maybe when someone starts to raise their voice, you are going to remove yourself from the conversation. Maybe when you can’t help, you say no.
When you are setting boundaries with someone it’s sometimes better not to use the word boundaries and to focus on “I” statements. Boundaries are not about controlling others, it’s about what you are going to do to protect yourself and put yourself first. So, catch yourself when you are falling into victim mode and wanting to control others and switch the focus on what you can control.
Practice Not Caring What Others Think of You
If you don’t want someone’s life, if you wouldn’t take their advice, don’t take their criticism. Know who you are. Reflect and get clear on your values and needs, and build a solid center that nobody can shake. Stop thinking about how others see the situation just to invalidate yourself. Stop caring how they see you when it’s only a projection instead just observe what they’re saying and see how it says a lot about them.
For example, if someone told you, you had blue eyes when you have brown, you know for a fact that you have brown so you’re just like um okay sure. If someone tells you something that you know is not in your heart, not your values or what you stand for, then it’s not true because you are the one who knows all of your thoughts, experiences, beliefs, values, etc. Next time, just observe and in your mind say um okay sure. Yeah no, I’m not that but I think you think that about yourself, interesting. People really reveal themselves without even knowing it.
FOR YOU BECAUSE TIME IS GOING TO PASS EITHER WAY
Don’t Put Off Happiness and Fun
Do what you love. Have the fun you can with what you have now. Your living situation already is not the best, probably affecting your mental health, so why would you put off all of the things you want to do that make you happy until the future? You can be happy later, but you can also have fun now too.
It really is the little things that can make you happy, not the car, the house, the relationship, etc. They help, but the feeling doesn’t last and it just becomes normal. So, make time for the things you love to do. It is important and worth it.
What You Water is What is Going to Grow
Your resources are money, time, and energy, everyone has a limited amount. Don’t put your resources into anything that you don’t want more of. Put your time and energy into yourself instead of into helping people who don’t want it, people who don’t see your worth, and don’t recognize you.
Use this time to heal and level up, get to know yourself deeply, use these triggers as opportunities to grow and see into your subconscious mind, and take care of yourself (and you’re already doing this by reading this blog). If you’re someone who is all up in other’s businesses, helping others and not yourself, it’s probably because it’s uncomfortable to look into yours, but it is worth it.
Invest in Yourselffff
Time is going to pass either way, so again invest your money, time, and energy in yourself. Start taking baby steps toward what you want for your future. Use this time to develop your skills, practice and practice what you love, and learn more about what interests you.
Time is limited, so use it wisely. Make it easier on your future self and start now. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy and taking huge steps. It can just be educating yourself on the field you’re interested in. Start making a plan for what you can do now, and start taking those steps. Your future self will thank you.
Going through family drama or just being in a toxic family can be really hard on your mental health. The best thing you can do during that time is to take care of yourself emotionally and physically. No parent can perfectly nurture and meet a child’s every need. Every child is different and every human is imperfect. So, childhood trauma in adults is not uncommon. Everyone has some experience that hurt them or some experience with a toxic family member. Some are just more healed or aware of it.
If a toxic family member is not treating you the way you deserve, you have exhausted every option, they won’t listen or change, then sometimes the only thing you can do is remove yourself. Your mental health matters, boundaries matter, and if you have tried and tried, you don’t deserve horrible treatment just because you share blood. If that just means limiting your interactions, that is so valid. Sometimes people’s best isn’t enough. You deserve people in your life who show they care about you, support you, allow you to be your authentic self, lift you up, and see your worth. And sometimes those people aren’t your family.
If You Liked This and Want More, I Recommend…
If you struggle with people pleasing, centering others in your life, and neglecting yourself, then Main Character Mindset: How to Be Self-Centered and Ditch People-Pleasing is for you.
If you struggle with putting off your life until you have love, looking outside of yourself for validation, and hate being alone, then Take Charge of Your Life: Stop Waiting Around for Love and Put Yourself First is for you.
If you are at the beginning of your healing journey, don’t know where to start, and struggle during the low moments of your life, then Feel Better About Yourself & Life: 10 Tips to Guide You on Your Healing Journey will help you shift your mindset and learn everything I wish I knew that would’ve helped me drastically.
If you struggle with getting stuck in a rut, beating yourself up, victim mindset, and need help getting out, then Break Free from Stagnation: A Guide to Reclaiming Control of Your Life and Following What Feels Good is for you.
Check out Tam Kaur’s take on dealing with your toxic family and watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFJz19KifsM.
