Main Character Mindset: How to Be Self-Centered and Ditch People-Pleasing

Do you find it hard to keep up with taking care of yourself? Do you spend all of your energy taking care of others that you have no energy for yourself? Do you center others and only feel okay when you feel useful and helpful? If so, it’s time that you adopt a main character mindset. People pleasing does not make you nice, it makes you resentful, insecure, and not authentic.

What’s kind is taking care of yourself and filling up your own cup, so that when you help others and share with them then it comes from a loving, abundant, and authentic place. What’s kind is being honest and being authentic, not changing who you are so others like you, that’s actually manipulative. People pleasing is not as nice as you think it is. That’s coming from someone who has been a people pleaser her whole life and has been working hard this past year to not be.

You deserve to take care of yourself. You deserve to be self-centered and prioritize yourself. You deserve the best treatment and to see yourself as inherently worthy. To stop neglecting yourself, people-pleasing, and feeling insecure, all you need to do is follow these steps: 1) reflect 2) do internal work: self-concept, detachment, and inner child work 3) external work: trust yourself, practice self-care, and follow fulfillment 4) read about my extra tips for you. I hope you enjoy!

REFLECTION

Where, Why, and How Do You Neglect Yourself:

• What areas of your life do you neglect? I want you to write out all the areas of your life that you struggle to keep up with or neglect especially when you don’t feel your best. These areas could be emotional neglect, health, hygiene, self-care, etc.
• How do your self-neglect habits show up in your life? It could be not having boundaries, putting others before yourself, or making sure everyone else is okay (not you though). Reflect on and write down all of the little ways that you neglect yourself.
• Why do you neglect yourself? It is pretty much going to always come back to your childhood, but what is the belief, lesson, or theme behind it? If you take care of everyone else except yourself, how did this show up in your childhood, who and how was this taught to you, and what does that make you think about yourself?

How and Where Do You Spend Your Currency?

• The currency that everyone has is energy, time, and money. Everyone has different levels, but everyone has a limit. Where you invest your energy, time, and money is what grows. A lot of times we aren’t even conscious of what we are investing in, and it does affect our future whether we know it or like it or not.
• Reflect on where you spend all of your time, energy, and money. Is it where you want it to be? Is it aligned with your goals, priorities, and future? You have the power to change what you are investing in. If that is binging shows, a job you hate, a toxic relationship, or just a lifestyle you don’t want, what are you going to do about it?
• It was actually a Ted Talk about The Magic of Not Giving A Fuck that inspired me to reflect on what I was giving my time, energy, and money to, and it changed a lot for me. It’s only 12 minutes and amazing for my people pleasers out there. It really puts it in simple terms how you can change your habits around and start not giving a fuck. Check it out if you feel called to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwRzjFQa_Og&t=1s.

What Do YOU Want and Need From Life?

• When you are a people pleaser, you just don’t even think about what you want for one second. I think that’s what makes you so insecure and not confident. It’s the not knowing what you want, not knowing what you value, what you need from a relationship, and not knowing what you do not put up with.
• For the first time in my life, I asked myself what I wanted, what I valued, what I needed, and what I don’t want this past year. It was the first and only thing to give me an instantaneous confidence boost. Now, I recommend it to everyone.
• It was uncomfortable at first because I just didn’t even know and I don’t like that, but I sat on it for a couple of days and I am so glad I did. Now, I have aligned my life with what I want, I communicate what I need, and know that when I see what I don’t want, I will be immediately walking in the other direction. So, what are your values, needs, and boundaries?

INTERNAL WORK

Self-Concept

• The reason you are neglecting yourself is because you don’t see yourself as someone worthy of being taken care of or receiving good treatment. If you saw yourself the way you see someone you look up to and have on a pedestal, like a celebrity, would you treat yourself the way you are now?
• The solution to your problem starts with healing and changing the way you see yourself. You are worthy of receiving love and care. I wish you would see yourself the way you see the people you love. You deserve to save some of your love for yourself. You don’t have to look for places to put it because you’re right there.
• Self-concept is just how you perceive yourself, think about yourself, and understand yourself. I would say this is the first step in changing your habits because it plays a big role in your behaviors among other things. So, get to know yourself, look for your positive qualities, know that you are inherently worthy, and be kinder to yourself. Affirmations are a great way to start, but you have to mean what you say.

Inner Child Work

• One of the easiest inner child practices is visualization with affirmations. You can just close your eyes and imagine your child self walking up to you, and you tell them what you always needed to hear. Some classics are you are enough, you are loved, and you are worthy. You can also just incorporate affirmations in your day for your inner child or have a picture of them and say affirmations. There are many ways to go about it.
• Now, the goal is to connect with your inner child. You want them to feel safe enough to come out, be free, and be expressive. So, do some activities you loved as a child. You can do things for your inner child, like do your makeup, pick out an outfit, or buy something for them. You can watch your favorite shows and movies or eat their favorite food. I think you get the idea.
• Most of our bad habits are a repetition of what happened to us in our childhood. Until we recognize the pattern, break it, and take on the role of the adult, we will continue to seek out those experiences. It can be to get a wish fulfillment and change the story or we just believe that’s how we deserve to be treated or both. In this practice, you want to take on the role of the parent and take care of your inner child instead of living through the scared and wounded child who is just repeating the cycle.

Detachment

• All you have to focus on is to stop relying on anything or anyone to make you feel how you want to feel. Stop controlling your environment and people to make you feel safe. Stop relying on other people’s words, behaviors, or perceptions of you to make you feel any type of way, a lot of the time it’s wanting to feel safe or worthy.
• Detachment is about knowing you are a separate entity from everyone and everything. So, create your own rules, moral compass, and your own sense of self. Learn about yourself, who are you, what is your personality like, what are your strengths, what are your needs, and who are you without anyone else.
• Stop getting so caught up in other people’s lives and emotions. If you feel like a lot of your life is just waiting around for a text or managing someone else’s shit, it’s time to detach. Be selfish, but be considerate. When you catch yourself searching for a feeling from someone else, identify the feeling, and ask yourself how you can give it to yourself. How can I make myself feel better? And do it.

EXTERNAL WORK

Self-Trust

• Boundaries can be hard and riddled with guilt because of how you were raised. But, they are necessary for your well-being. Boundaries are not about controlling others, they are about what you will do. And, it is your job to uphold them. You are not selfish or rude for listening to yourself and meeting your needs if you say it in a kind and honest way.
• When you break the promises you make to yourself, you can’t rely on yourself. If you can’t follow through with a simple task you say you will do, how will you believe in yourself to follow through on your dreams when it is important? It’s important to believe in yourself and trust yourself when it comes to confidence. You might not realize it, but breaking those promises is ruining your self-esteem.
• If you can’t trust yourself to mess up and still love yourself, if you can’t trust yourself to see the good in yourself or trust yourself to have compassion and validate yourself when you need it the most, then who are you to yourself other than a bad friend who is never there for you? Deciding to stop fighting with myself, making my life worse, and prolonging my own suffering was the best thing I ever did.

Self-Care

• Everyone deserves their needs met. You can’t rely on others to fulfill them, maybe some, but most should be on you. Earlier, you reflected on what your needs were, now the best self-care you can do for yourself is to meet them. The specific treatment you’re wishing for and expecting from others is the key to how you should treat yourself.
• Sometimes the best things for us are where we have the most resistance for many reasons. We say I have to instead of I want to, we imagine it to be so hard, instead of thinking about how good it feels after you do it. So, write down a list of all the things you know are good for you, remember how it feels after you do them, and do them while saying I want to.
• The last self-care step I have for you is improving the areas in your life where you neglect yourself one step at a time. I asked you to name all of the areas, like hygiene, emotions, etc. Now, I want you to slowly make progress in those areas. Start where you are and take a couple of steps, don’t try to do it all at once, and come from a place of love.

Self-Fulfillment

• I asked you to reflect on what your values are in life. When you know your values, you can align your life, career, hobbies, and whatever you invest your energy, time, and money into with them. That’s how you live a fulfilling and authentic life. Learn about what you love and what matters to you and then make decisions aligned with them.
• A part of self-neglect is not going after what you truly want and avoiding taking steps toward your dream career or whatever you desire. My advice to you is to ask yourself what you want, and with the information you have right now, what is the path that makes the most sense to you to get there? I want you to take the first step.
• Everyone should have a hobby, just something they do solely for pleasure that is just theirs. I heard someone say you should have 3 hobbies, one that makes you money, one that is good for your health, and one that is for fun and pleasure, and that is just the simplest way to put it. Life to me should not be all about work and improving yourself, it should be about having fun, feeling alive and grateful. Make time for fun.

MY EXTRA TIPS FOR YOU

Morning Routine

• Having a good morning routine has been really helpful because you set the tone for the rest of the day. When I start the day journaling, being grateful, saying affirmations, getting sunlight, I start the day prioritizing myself and my feelings, and doing what makes me feel good, then the rest of the day unfolds similarly.
• If you struggle to stick to a morning routine that doesn’t feel right to you in the first place, then you might be coming from the wrong place (always come from a place of self-love like I want to journal because I deserve to have a clear mind for the rest of the day and work through my emotions), your vocabulary is full of have to and should, you dread it before it even begins, and your packing in way too much stuff in one routine.
• If you want to create a morning routine for yourself that is authentic, allows you to be consistent, and is centered around feeling good, then head to my blog on how I created a morning routine after failing a million times and what worked for me: Start Your Day Grateful to Be Alive: Create a Morning Ritual that’s Authentic, Enjoyable & Flexible.

Start Small

• The worst thing you could do is try to work on all of the areas of your life where you neglect yourself, burn out, and go back to how you were before and give up. Instead of trying to jump to the person you want to be so quickly who has all of their shit together, start where you are. What are your habits now and try to take a couple of steps to improve them. Compare yourself to your old self, embrace the journey, and create a realistic and manageable plan.
• Setting goals allows you to be proud of yourself, recognize your improvements along the way, not take on too much and give up, and focus more on the journey. It allows you to be guided in the right direction and set priorities instead of being all over the place. This can apply to this situation too, but when I’m manifesting I focus on my next level from who I am now instead of a version of me that’s so far away. Focus on the next level from where you are, create goals, and adopt habits to get there.
• I have a daily habit tracker, if you look up “habit” in the app store, it’s usually the first one. The app is pink with a circle around a white check mark, and with the free version, you can create up to 6 daily habits. It is really useful, satisfying, and cute. I use it for the 6 habits that I want to do daily, like meditating, soaking up sunlight, journaling, etc. But, make it your own.

Be the Main Character of Your Life

• Maybe some people see the whole main character trend as something else, but I see it as a way to stop people pleasing, centering others, and start romanticizing your life. I just see it as making yourself the main character in your life because who else is supposed to be the main character in YOUR life? Someone other than you? That makes absolutely no sense.
• Sometimes when healing, you need to jump to the other extreme to then find the balance. I find it helpful to be self-centered and selfish, but the key is to still care about others’ feelings, take accountability, and listen to others. It’s just not your job to avoid hurting others because that’s not possible. It’s okay to make mistakes and hurt others’ feelings unintentionally, again as long as you take accountability and listen to them. But be selfish and be the main character.
• Romanticize taking care of yourself. A key to doing the whole main character thing is romanticizing your life, and if you see taking care of yourself as boring and a chore, you need to change that. Put on music, put on cute clothes, act like you’re in a scene of a movie, and make self-care a vibe, however, that looks to you. A little tip for you is that the best times to say affirmations are while you are falling asleep, right when you wake up, and while you are doing self-care.

Everyone is the main character in their own life. Everyone should be self-centered and fill up their own cup first, but of course, still care about others and share because they have more than enough. In this journey, it’s important to see yourself as someone worthy first, change your perception of yourself, do the healing, like inner child work, and learn to take care of and trust yourself. You deserve all of this and to start today, just take one step. Wanting to do this and recognizing that there is a problem is the first step. Maybe you struggle with emotional neglect or even financial neglect. Whatever it is, I know you can face it. I believe in you!